I’ve been “away” for months. From my previous post, you’ll know that my grandma’s health was less than great. We managed to have a wonderful Christmas at home as a family, and we even rung in the new year together.
I haven’t been able to write, or do much of anything, because my life has been consumed with caring and worrying about her, about my mother. They are two of the most important and most influential people in my life. I called them constantly, checking in, making sure everything was still okay.
But these past months also left me with a void. I felt in many ways very supported by close friends, by my wonderful partner. However, slowly saying goodbye, losing someone, always hoping you have more time, it’s lonely and terrifying. It’s something that people don’t often want to talk about.
I felt like a failure because I couldn’t maintain my blog, a gym routine, a social life. My entire focus became that beautiful woman. When I sat with her over the course of her last day, none of it felt real. Sleep deprived and stressed, my mother and I took turns sitting with her and holding her. Making sure she knew she was not alone.
This was a month ago. A month ago I said goodbye to a woman who taught me everything I know about baking, healing, living. Whenever I felt alone or sad, she would sit with me and tell me it was going to be alright. She would tell me that she loved me, that it would look better in the morning. Most times it did.
In the month since, I haven’t been able to get back into a routine. I still eat my greens, hydrate, go for walks with the dog. But I struggle to maintain relationships, to do something as simple as go to the gym. I feel raw and exhausted. Most of all I feel frustrated that I can’t get back to what my life was, but more so to what my life was with her in it.
As they say, time heals everything. So I’m left waiting, trying not to punish myself for grieving. And that, my friends, is where I’ve been.