It’s beginning to look a lot like…

November. And only November. 

I’m not trying to dash anyone’s holiday cheer, but it is still only November, and I wouldn’t mind it staying that way for a while longer. 

With the (amazing) return of my grandma to her coveted lazy boy, I’d be happy to enjoy some quiet time before the holiday craze begins. With three families to visit during the holidays, things become hectic (and by hectic, I mean my annual temper tantrum usually makes an appearance). 

But the one thing I adore about the holidays? The food. I know, I know – so does everyone else, so we don’t need to talk about it, right? 

WRONG.

Because this holiday season, I’m making a sincere effort to truly enjoy all the food I can. 

I’m sure I’m not alone when I tell you that most holidays (where it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc.) can be stressful, especially if your surrounded by people constantly talking about their weight, and not over-indulging. They talk about portion restrictions, or cutting certain holiday favourites out all together. And while I do my absolute best to lead a healthy life style (I pack as many fruits and veggie as I can stomach into everyday), I am also trying to do my best not to obsess about my size or my weight.

Being a curvy woman, this doesn’t always come easily. Self acceptance is hard, and so is self love. I’m notoriously bad at both, but I am trying desperately to improve. Part of what I’m working on is not beating myself up about my size. My broad hips and bust often make me feel self conscious, especially since I don’t fit the typical “ideal” female mould. 

So I try to be compassionate with myself by acknowledging that I eat well, and that starving myself of things I love, isn’t a solution. I try to tell myself that I look good, even though I’m not a size two. 

This holiday season is going to be about enjoying the things I love (hopefully) guilt-free. And this extends to more than just food. I plan on indulging in sleep, over indulging on books and cuddling with my puppy. 

Because when was the last time anyone really focused on self-care and pleasure? I don’t remember the last time I did, but it will start now, with a good read and a cup of tea. 

It’s been a long, long time…

Lately life has taken me for a few unexpected turns. I recently was hired and have started working (yay for income and semi-adulthood!). I had roughly a month off from my MA before starting, which, in all honesty, was probably the perfect break. 

This company treats their employees very well, compensates more than fairly, and goes out of their way to make their employees feel valued – so far, so good. I have no complaints there. 

However, a week into my job my grandma suffered a heart attack. At the time, we were lead to believe it was a minor heart attack, she was recovering quickly and well, that she would soon be back home with my parents. This past week, still in the hospital waiting for some tests, she suffered another heart failure. Finally her results came in, and to our surprise, her first heart attack was in fact not minor, but a massive heart attack. 

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The doctor’s told my mom this over the phone, explaining that they didn’t know how my 97 year old grandmother survived such a cardiac experience. On Monday she’ll be transferred to a different hospital, and possibly under go a very risky surgery. So needless to say I haven’t really been reading, or cooking, but instead focusing on her.

Because despite the fact that she is infuriatingly stubborn, and sometimes a little bossy, she is the best grandmother I’ve ever had, and one of the strongest women I know. She’s lived through two world wars, the Cold War, the internet, multiple economic crisis, the death of her husband, and multiple siblings. She’s optimistic to a fault, at ease with her condition, convinced that fate and God will intervene if that is what’s meant to be. 

Unfortunately these traits weren’t passed on to me. I don’t have faith in God, and if one does exist, if the situation worsens, I’d say he’s taken the wrong moment to take a break. No one in this world deserves health, happiness and peace more than my grandmother, for all that she has already endured. 

So that’s where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing. Once things settle down, or just… are not in such a state of anxiety and flux, I’ll be back to my usual, baking, reading, self. But for now, I’m offline, at her side and the side of my incredible mother, clinging to these moments with a fierceness that is startling. 

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